After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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