put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
