Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
