Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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