My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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