I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
