I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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