i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
