...so i touched it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
