tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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