your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
