My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
