is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
