I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
