I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
