if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Semen is not good for contacts.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
