Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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