So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
