You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
