I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
