I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
