I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
