As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
