Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
