Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
