I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
