I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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