Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
