I will die if light touches me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
