I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
