I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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