Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
As shirtless as possible
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
