Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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