I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
