matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and she was petting her beer can
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
