after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
