just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
