my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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