Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
