im about as happy as oj after his trial
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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