i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
