Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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