life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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