I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
