I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
