I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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