Duck Duck Cougar?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
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