I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
