I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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