Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
