When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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