apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
