you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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