some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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