what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
